This is how i feel now.

Im staying @ home on the sat night, im feeling very tired as i club too much recently. I just wan to sleep early but i cant.. i cant sleep.. Ive been thking alot of things. Im always home late becuz i cant sleep early and i will pop pills if i cant sleep. i don wan to do that. or ill be clubbing. and ive been thinking about my past,present and my future.
Im thking how to survive in future if i keep clubbing and don care about my health.

I wan to change myself, the devil side of me always tell me not to. I hate it.
I wan to be a better person. I don wan to be e alcoholic mom in future.
I wan to be loved. I wan a good family.

I miss him too. I wan to see him. at the time time im telling myself y we are like that nowadays. we are not together yet he still cares for me alot. but he don meet me often which i hate it. IM AFRAID OF LONELINESS. yet he still wan to put me aside. I know he don wish to but he has to work & learn drivng etc. I really wanted to let go sometimes im tired of it. I wan to accept others but i cant make myself to it. Yet im afraid of rejection from others, how?

Seriously, i hate that feeling. I know im selfish. But human beings are selfish arent they?

IM CONFUSED.